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During my childhood, I was shy (still am). My deafness made it difficult for me to engage in conversations with others. People immediately knew something different about me due to speech impairment that followed. Thus, I felt I didn't fit in. Thank the Lord, I had a sister who stood by and interpreted (not sign language) what others said, and everything going on around us. But when my sister wasn't around, I felt my friendship neglected at times. Therefore, I became an angry child.

My parents reared my sister and I in church. We especially had a dear grandmother who would not let any of her grandchildren (us) forget Jesus Christ, or any of the Lord's ways. God tugged at my spirit, but I was not ready to yield; "I'm not ready now," I would think to myself. "But I will do it ... someday." Finally, one night God gave me a dream; one I'll never forget, for it was so real...Jesus stood in the clouds, His arms opened wide for His own, those going up to Him. My heart leaping horrendously, my eyes widened as each of my family member ascended toward His glory. I wanted to go, too. But no matter how hard I tried, my body wouldn't lift. Fear surfaced, and I began to cry. "Dear Lord, don't forget me!...I wasn't ready, was I?" praying in hopes the Lord's coming hadn't really happened. "Oh, please don't let me be left behind!" I cried. The next thing I knew, I sat up in bed, trembling all over. My mind could not find peace afterwards, for the dream appeared so strong and real. During the revival that took place the following week, I asked the Lord to forgive me of all that I had done, and received Jesus Christ into my life.

I not only look back at the day I had received Christ, but upon the day two years later, where my life almost vanished. Our yearly 'Children's Day' carnival came to town; and while it should have been a joyful day for me, it became a terrifying event. My life hung in the balance during a fair-ride accident. I was thrown from mid-air to the ground. Some said that my neck was broken, and I had no life. I wonder if I had actually died. That, since the paramedics placed a sheet over me. Why would they do that? But I remember coming to, and someone removing the sheet from my face, saying, "This one is alive!" Had I died, and God sent me back? I don't know. But I often wonder, "What if I had not survived that day; and had continued to resist God when He had sent that dream? Oh, what if I had died that day without God?!!!" Indeed a scary feeling. You see, we have no control over life, and it can be easily snatched from us at any time. How grateful I am though that God kept tugging at me sooner, and that I DID receive Jesus! I'm also grateful He spared my life that day, too. Little did I know He had other plans for me.

But because of insecurities, I later drifted from my Lord. My sister, who was the one I had depended on most of my life, had left the family's nest; and I felt completely alone. Resentment set in, for people didn't understand me, nor did I understand them. I felt different. I wasn't good enough. I then began trying all sorts of ways to better myself, perhaps to accomplish a nice figure, pretty clothes and all the good looks. If I had that, then people might have something to do with me, I thought. And you know what? They did. I actually made friends of my own--but I was led into drinking and staying out all nights. I had turned into someone my family no longer knew. Then I noticed it became difficult to see the roads while driving at nights. I had bit of eye trouble, yes. But I didn't know my eyes were "slowly deteriorating". The optometrist's words stung me: "You will be totally blind within twenty years."

My anger and resentment grew all the more. Here I was, finally getting a grip on life, and now this? "Now I'm going blind--Gee, will I ever 'see' my child? What will he look like when all grown up? Will I 'see' my grandkids, if any?..." The questions wouldn't stop. Oh, so much anger hit me; I wanted my life to end. Suicide was the answer, I thought. I was so miserable with myself. I hated my handicap, I hated the condition (or position) I was in--to put it bluntly, I simply hated my life. I was so miserable I didn't know what else to do--none other than to finally fall on my knees. Tears flooded my face. "Oh Lord, why?...Please help me!" That was the moment my brokenness led me to surrender.

I'm glad to say that every since then, I don't often look back. During my walk with Jesus, I have never been so overwhelmed with joy in the days ahead. My Lord has done so much for me and my family. Not only has He protected me from danger and answered many of my prayers, He has even kept the disease of my eyes from progressing. Yes, I was informed in 1980 I would be totally blind within twenty years. Friend, it has now been thirty-one years, and I can see just as well now as I did then. This "thorn in my flesh" not only keeps me closer to Him, but have given me amazing spiritual insights--yes, insights that no human eye can see! I may not be a perfect human being, but I know I'm perfect in His sight. And that's all that matters. I didn't like myself at one time, but I now know that Jesus can use me for His glory.

So, the next time I see the rapture taking place, that is, if I'm still around, I'll not only know it is for real this time, I'll be a part of it, too. And that, my friend, keeps me smiling all the time.

Jesus' Love Online Bible

DISCLAIMER:   Saved By Grace Suicide Ministry, or any other team involved, outside or inside the ministry, are not responsible for any form of illness, or individual action of infliction or death upon self or another in any community, state, race, origin, religion, sex, or age, nationally or internationally, concerning those who refuse to seek a new direction upon their life.